Behind Betrayal
Betray: To expose; unintentionally reveal
What comes to mind when you think of betrayal?
Whether it's an addiction to substances, a romantic affair, or financial ruin, betrayal reveals shadow parts of the self. It shatters reality for the other person, inducing ruminations and obsessions to make sense of the past with earth-shattering information. Such revelations open both wounds and hearts in relationships. Waking up to an unveiled truth rips the ground under the betrayed.
Questions remain:
"Was it me?"
"Why wasn't I good enough?"
"How could you do this to me?"
"Our family, the kids, you couldn't think of them?"
When people ask these questions in my office, I send the message: It's not about you. Addiction and affairs overlap in terms of selfish acts. I don't mean selfish as judgmental, more as a purely self-motivated, egoic hunger that abandons all values and morals. How do we begin to understand betrayals when the emotional load behind them triggers a smoking gun of opinions, judgments, and character assassinations? Making room for curiosity over criticism encourages understanding of the dark sides humans experience. If we're being honest, you most likely know someone who has been affected by betrayals or experienced them yourself. Understanding is not condoning but a start to more insightful, curious, compassionate conversations.
What is Betrayal? If you've ever been through a breakup of any kind, felt a slight against you in your relationship, lied or been lied to, or overshared about intimate details, you probably know betrayal. Betrayals exist on a spectrum, and micro-betrayals happen in relationships. As the dictionary states, betrayals stem from exposure. It happens when we can't unsee what we have come to realize. At times, what feels like a betrayal is the exact thing we'd hope to avoid all along. Until one day, we can't unsee the truth, whether that's explicit information or a feeling we can't ignore. Then we feel betrayed on two sides: one for not trusting ourselves and one by the other person.
How to Deal. Dealing with a revelation comes with immense challenges, forcing us to change. For some this means ending a relationship. Two-thirds of marriages survive affairs. I've witnessed many couples stay together after years of a partner dealing with addiction. Repair happnes within a relationship or sololy. Either way, these elements can help us heal no matter which direction we choose:
Accountability. Relational therapist Terry Real says, "Be emotionally generous with the one you've hurt." Taking accountability requires letting go of defenses, taking ownership of your part, and acknowledging the other person's emotions. Accountability breaks us from the victim/villain stance. Even if a person has been responsible for 98% of the emotional pain in a relationship, both parties need to be 100% accountable for their parts. Accountability means we like ourselves enough to acknowledge the hurts we may have caused, our shortcomings, and how we want to do better.
Repair. Empathy means to see the other person as they are, not how you want them to be. Often, people rush through repair by trying to tell someone how they should be over it, past it, and through it. Emotional repair takes time and patience.
Acknowledge. Acknowledge your partner for all of their qualities. Hurt creates a myopic viewpoint. Seeing a fuller picture of who someone is gives reasons why this relationship matters. The relationship matters no matter how it ends.
Forgiveness. Brené Brown's quote about forgiveness sticks out the most: "In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face into the pain. You simply have to hurt." Hurting is part of the process. Allowing someone to see into your pain invites empathy, medicine for emotional wounds.
