Familiar Family Affairs: Lessons from The Bear
The Bear lands in the top three television shows for me in the past five years. The blend of family dynamics, passion, purpose, love, loss, loyalty, and character relatability and development makes the show binge-worthy. I've heard many people say that watching the series stresses them out. My theory is that many people can relate to aspects of the series, hence why it feels stressful. Familiarity feels too real. Familiarity also breeds contempt.
If you've seen the show, then you know the Christmas episode where Jamie Lee Curtis's character, Donna, portrays a mom struggling with alcohol addiction. The whole family walks on eggshells, worrying over her feelings of inadequacy, erratic behavior, and getting caught in the crossfires of her emotional abuse. She cooks the traditional Italian seven-fishes dinner, and when she sits down at the table surrounded by close friends and family, she begins to spiral into how unappreciated she feels. This moment highlights her children's responsibility for her while simultaneously feeling helpless. Viewers don't just watch this scene; they feel it. Even if you haven't struggled with the same issues of addiction in your family, you know what it's like to feel the emotional bond innate to families and recognize the limitations of love for family members.
You might experience:
Someone in a not-so-great relationship and you want to shake that person into leaving.
Someone with an eating disorder and feel the urge to physically take that person to get help.
The family member who complains about their health problems and does nothing to help themselves.
The one who struggles with codependency and you feel their anxiety making sure everyone is okay.
The one who makes jabs at other people, making their emotions everyone else's responsibility.
Whatever the case, you experience family as an emotional system you're a part of. We meet the Ghost of Christmas Past each time we go home for the holidays. Our past and present selves meet. Like a movie we know, the family roles we play in our dynamics take hold. What would it be like to no longer wish things were different?
In loose Buddhist terms, suffering is constantly wishing things would be different. When we chronically wish people around us would change, we create our own suffering. Acceptance works as the antidote to this condition. Acceptance sees a person for who they are, as they are, where they are in this current moment. Disclaimer: This is not easy when you love someone.
Part of loving someone is seeing someone's potential. Letting someone know we see their potential is a gift we hope they'll graciously receive. Other times, our own frustration takes over by building resentment. Letting go of the idea that we're the director of someone else's movie helps to lean into acceptance. We can accept our part as a costar rather than the leading role and let our family members write their movie script. The best we can do is recognize what's in our jurisdiction and what is not. Let that be freeing, loving, and in your back pocket this holiday season.
To Acceptance,
Brittani
