Think You’re Enlightened?
It's the season to test that theory. Just as Ram Daas said, "Just when you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family." As we grow into adulthood, we individuate from the family system, creating a sense of freedom and self. We experience the tension of our present selves with our past selves, who show up with all of their emotions and needs and fall back into the role they once knew so well. How do we straddle these two parts of us when we're back home- in whichever way home looks?
"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in," Robert Frost. Home's sense of security and familiarity comes at the cost of wishing things would be different. How often do you think, "Why can't you be different?" when you're around family? Relational systems constantly straddle contentment and change. Family systems evolve as life stages change, yet the embedded familiarity pulls us back into our younger selves.
Boundaries. Boundaries are social media's hottest topic, and there are a lot of misconceptions about them. Boundaries define where one ends and another begins. Boundaries separate individuals from the family system and vice versa. Internal boundaries recognize thoughts, feelings, narratives, and actions as autonomous. External boundaries define what we do in response to others, clarifying what is okay and not okay. The commitments you keep to yourself establish boundaries.
Boundaries do not and are not:
Control other people's actions: people do not follow your boundaries
Punish: they are not consequences as a way to make a point or shame another person, nor are they rules
Agreements: anything that requires someone else to take an action is an agreement
Boundaries do:
Establish what you need to keep the relationship well
Make commitments to yourself and others
Involve yes and no
Relationally Thinking. Let's be real; anything can be a scalding topic: Politics, religion, dating, marriage, kids, parenting, money, food, how you dress, and if you've figured out your job situation (just to name a few), can make anyone uneasy. Internal boundaries keep us well when emotions heighten around a personally sensitive topic.
Ask yourself these questions:
What kind of holiday season do you want? What are you willing to do to make that happen?
Can you consider fraught differences AND reasons to love someone? When others think, feel, and believe differently from you, can you find reasons also to like/love them?
How can you take care of yourself? Find time to unwind, take a breather, and be your own lifeline.
