ABD: Always Be Dating
Medicine for the Mundane
The modern American couple story goes a little something like this:
Single: On the apps, swiping for love, going on numerous dates, asking people we know to set us up, and hope we find our person. We maintain hobbies, spend time with friends, and sustain well-established routines. We go through the emotional roller coaster of having hope for finding our person while feeling disappointed time and time again. Then we go on a date we're excited about. The first date turns into a third date, which turns into three months, which turns into two years, and we're in the relationship we've been waiting for.
Coupledom: All of the dating experiences have paid off. It's exciting to feel established in a new relationship. There's a sense of security and curiosity as we assess ambitions, shared interests, and life philosophies. Not to mention, sex is fantastic! We're on the same page and decide this is the person we're doing life with.
Marriage: Get married and go on a few trips before having kids. We're comfortable with each other, so sex isn't as exciting but still enjoyable. Date nights turn into movie nights, and "I" turns to "we" when planning social events and holidays. Over time, we're familiar with each other and can predict their moods, responses, and what they'll want for breakfast. There's a sense of security but a lack of mystery. Add kids into the mix, and we're running from our day jobs to daycare, school, after-school activities, end the day, then prepare to do it all again the next day.
Sound familiar? I've heard this story from multiple sides. Friends feel the loss as their once single friend becomes less available in a relationship. One person completely loses themselves in their relationship, only to have it end in heartbreak. Spouses wonder where the spark has gone, longing to bring back romance. Busy parents struggle to make time for one another because the kids' needs come first. Some say this is "normal," but if normal includes increased divorce rates and stress and impacts physiological health then isn't it time to challenge the norms?
Medicine for Mundane. Being single and dating offers possibilities in love and life. While this time holds plenty of uncertainty, it provides novelty, excitement, and self-explorations. Commitment to coupledom brings comfort, which matters for long-term relationships. Over time, it can also breed complacency when we live on autopilot. What if dating as if you're single is the antidote to mundane marriages? Dating is not a means to an end. Dating is a space for two people to show up as confident, curious, and excited to meet one another- no matter how long you've known each other.
Passion: It's how you do it. Esther Perel's work surrounding affairs shows that people in solid relationships cheat to feel alive. When home represents security, adventure resides elsewhere. Take this as information without judgment, as we can use knowledge for insight into our own relational psychology and personal benefit. Marcell Proust once wrote, "Mystery is not about traveling to new places but about looking with new eyes." Seeing your partner as if you are seeing them for the first time welcomes mystery. Passion is not a "what" it's a "how." You don't wait to find it or for your partner to ignite it. You bring passion into the life you live. Passion stokes energy that supersedes exhaustion, boredom, or complacency.
Turn to you:
Igniting Intimacy Workbook: For couples looking to ignite passion, the intimacy workbook opens the door for deeper conversations, playfulness, and ideas for activities that don't involve dinner dates.
For the topic of sex, you can listen to the podcast with Everett Uhl here.
For my singles and dating, check out the podcasts with Dr. Lori Husband and Jaclyn Ditter for navigating the dating landscape.
Always Be Dating,
Brittani
