How to Heal Hurt
We tangle with binaries to avoid complexities. We seek certainty when uncertainty feels drenched with anxiety. When we keep wanting things to be different from how they are, we'll search endlessly for answers. I've seen couples and individuals who struggle with betrayals from loved ones and family members- infidelity, addiction, finances, and any other event that would say, "I never thought they would do that." Desperately, we search for answers, thinking our pain can ease with a diagnosis.
They must be narcissistic.
Clearly, it's an avoidant attachment style.
It's their impulsive ADHD.
Their depression gets in the way.
I think it's a bipolar disorder causing the erratic behaviors.
It must be shame.
Depathologize. In her book State of Affairs, Esther Perel writes, "Psychological jargon has replaced religious cant, and sin has been eclipsed by pathology. We are no longer sinners; we are sick. Ironically, it was much easier to cleanse ourselves of sins than it is to get rid of a diagnosis." When we feel wrong, unacceptable, or unlovable, we want to find ways to help us feel worthy of belonging, lovable, and accepted. When others wrong us, we'll find ways to explain away their behavior through diagnosis, understanding their trauma, attachment style, character assassinations, and blame. The attempt to single-handedly repair damage by theorizing all the possibilities of what might be happening with the other person gives the illusion of control. Social media experts/influencers will provide an exact playbook for how to handle a narcissist, codependency, "emotionally unavailable" people, or cut off family members. However, these strategies don't answer how to turn toward our own hurt. Spotlighting the other person further overlooks emotional pain.
Resentments- the dirty R word. Resentments have a bad reputation (ask Taylor Swift). Resentment is defined as a displeasure from feeling wronged, injured, or mistreated. Resentment leads us to spin stories about the jerk who cut you off in traffic, how your coworker did not deserve the promotion, and how your significant other once again goes out while you stay home with the kids. Resentments don't make us bad; they give us information about our feelings. Resentment stems from envy. Envy is wanting what someone else has. People who feel responsible for other people's emotions often experience envy because they clean up the emotional debris left by the tornado of people whose betrayal, hurt, and anger spun out of control. "Why do I have to be the one who cleans it up, when I'm also the one who's hurt?" Reframing resentment as envy helps to center ourselves in the emotional story rather than making it all about the other person.
Messy Healing. We can't out-intellectualize emotions; we have to feel them to heal. Searching for endless answers only leaves us wanting more answers. I asked a client why they keep trying to figure out their partner's motives, emotions, and past, and the answer was, "Because I want to see if I can still be in this relationship." Mentally grasping onto the other person keeps them alive in our minds. Our anxiety about hurt feels more attractive than dealing with the pain of relationship injuries.
Turn the lens on you:
Ruminations stem from hurt feelings. What feelings exist underneath endless thoughts? (Grief, sadness, loneliness, overwhelm).
Entertain the outlandish ideas for a moment, then let them go. If you think about going Carrie Underwood and slashing someone's tires, see if you can make the scenario so outlandish you might find it humorous.
Emotions give you data for what you need. Connect emotions with body sensations and sense of self, and understand the emotional story of what it's like to experience relational pain. Give yourself grace in the process.
Here's to Healing Hurt,
Brittani
